Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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