Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
they're like a gay fantastic four
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
