I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
