Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
