Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
