When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
