My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
