I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
