I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
