you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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