I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
