Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
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just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
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He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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