meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My hand turned me down
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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