sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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