yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
