Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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