My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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