Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm always down for nudity.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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