You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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