Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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