he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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