You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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