Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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