wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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