i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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