I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
