The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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