How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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