This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
