How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
