i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
