how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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