There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Randomize
