did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
