i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
