Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
