Slut skills are useful in every country.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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