Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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