Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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