I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
