I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
