paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
even my farts smell like vagina
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
