I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
