yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
