my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
