she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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