I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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