why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
