I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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