just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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