I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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