At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
