I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Still dying that you shit outside
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
