what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
