if i can run in heels then i can drive
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
