Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
bring money and cleavage
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
