i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
