Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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