the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
