I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
