Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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